11/03/2014

8 Years With This Boy

Around here we have three Birthday in a row. Chris's at the end of September, Capri's mid-Ocober, and then CJ's right at the beginning of November. And by golly, I can't have a sweet post about my one daughter's Birthday without posting something sweet about my son's Birthday. 


I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to say about CJ. There is so much I could say since I've had him for 8 years now! And most of it would just sound like bragging. So I will just say this . . . 


When CJ came along it took a long time for me to feel like he was my son. He was too precious to actually be mine. Too amazing and wonderful. I was in awe of his precious little body and wondered so much about his little soul that seemed so far away from mine. 


Unfortunately those feelings had me feeling like I did not really know my son for the first two years of his life. He seemed like my little brother in a lot of ways. Someone I adored and took care of, but who belonged to someone else. You see, if I let myself realize that he belonged to me, I knew I would feel the weight of how undeserving I was of him. 


We had a lot of family drama around the time that CJ turned 2. Chris was laid off and I went back to the office to work instead of working from home. The separation from CJ was so difficult for me and brought me to tears on several occasions. I realized that I was more attached to my son than he was of me. He was thrilled to have his Dad all to himself during that time. 


The older he gets the more I see him as mine. I see myself getting more and more attached and of course fretting about how I don't measure up as his momma. Because I don't. And I never will.


Sometimes I remind myself how I felt about him when he was a baby and little toddler. I was in such awe of him. Back then I saw him as his own little person. Sometimes I think I need to go back to those feelings so that I don't suffocate him or become that clingy mother when he is older and wants to be his own man. 


But he is only a little man right now. Yes, one day he will become a big man. He will leave my house and no longer listen to his momma. He will have a family of his own and be completely independent. And I'll just have to remember, just like when he was born, to stand back and just be in awe of him - knowing that he is no longer mine.


So until then, I'm going to revel in the fact that he's my boy. He calls me mommy and he loves me so much more than I deserve. 


For now I am going to hold him when he cries. Scold him when he disobeys and teach him everything I know and more. I'm going to remember these moments when he is still just a boy who needs his mommy. 


Because right now. He is mine.


And I am oh so proud of him.


Happy Birthday CJ!