January's Joys and My New Year Resolution

Have I mentioned how much I love living out in the country? It's like my heart is finally at rest. Dare I say I feel settled? I'm still a wanderer at heart and still love change and travel, but I never knew how peaceful you could feel inside by knowing where your home is. 

January has been one of our most beautiful winter's yet here in Ohio. The snow crystals are brighter than ever and the kids have learned how to dress for the extreme temperatures so that they are able to play outside more than they ever have in previous winters. 

One of my greatest joys this winter is connecting on a deeper level with these junior highers from church. I joined the youth group at church to become a squad leader so I could be a mentor, but am finding that it's these girls who are teaching me. Funny how that happens. Our Youth Pastor is amazing--his sermons seem like they came straight from God to me and I'm always amazed at how much God teaches me during my short evenings at church on Wednesday nights with these lovelies.

Another exciting thing about January is we got to skate on our frozen pond! Cassi, CJ, and I all have skates and we love getting a little bit of winter sunshine, ice cold air (ha!), and some exercise out on the pond. I can't believe I used to say that I never wanted a pond!

A bittersweet part of this month is seeing the growth of my little girls. I'm so proud of them, but also clinging to whatever baby is left in them. Cassi is such a little mommy, taking her baby sister to the bathroom whenever I can't, helping me teach Capri her letters, and then learning to read so well herself. And then there's Capri who is coming in to her own, becoming even more opinionated than ever and not afraid to tell anyone what she thinks (I wonder where she gets that from). And little Ceci who is my only baby now, and yet not so baby anymore. Cecily is officially day-potty trained. She is finally starting to talk now, and she is determined to get Mommy to let her do EVERYTHING her big sisters do. Not gonna happen, Ceci!

This photo is from Chris's Aunt Vicki who took it at Chris's cousin's baby shower. I treasure any photos I have of me and my girls and had to post it!

At the end of the month we got to take a little trip out to Ann Arbor to see my brother and sister. These four little people behaved so well in this hipster, college campus coffeehouse that I treated them all to hot cocoas in teacups. CJ even got his homework done while the rest of us visited with Li and my brother Trav.

Hard to imagine that our peace and rest has continued in to January since now we are in full swing with homeschooling, Chris's and my work at RIDGE, youth group, Sunday School, small group, and the house remodel . . . but somehow we are. The end of 2016-the end of 2017 was quite the ride and we have a lot of fun memories from it all, but it feels good to be on this side of things. To have the house feeling almost finished, to having a rhythm with school and work, to seeing God continue to provide and heal our hearts when frustrations or mistakes happen.

I have to admit that I dealt with some bitterness about losing Papa. I did not want to let him go and could not imagine life without him. Wrestling with thoughts and feelings on the matter culminated with Grandpa's death this past Fall. Somehow surpassing the sorrow I felt at losing yet another Grandpa, I felt joy in the love I received from the family gathering in Idaho to celebrate Grandpa's life. That trip brought me the answers and peace I needed to let go of the selfishness I had for not letting people I love go. I feel like my heart is healing and I have taken those pains to God where I should have taken them in the first place.

I was born setting goals for myself. It's just part of my nature. I need challenges and I need benchmarks that I can achieve and then blow out of the water. :-) But this January as God has been healing my heart I knew that the "goals" I normally set are not what I needed to focus on this year. Instead I needed to release my expectations of what homeschooling should look like, what motherhood should look like, what a wife should look like, what my body should look like, and what my work should look like. I needed to release myself from standards I set for myself that push others out of the way as I grapple and wrestle for reaching my goals. My desire for 2018 is that I find God again. That I seek His face. Search for what His love looks like, and practice worshipping Him in my daily life.

God has graciously let me flounder my way through my search of Him this January--I picture Him laughing at me as I act like He wasn't there or that I have to leave where I am or who I am to find Him. But He's just there, right by me, whispering that He has been here all along. I just didn't listen.

Well, I'm listening now.