The first semester of law school I tried to do it all - not miss out on any event, any social engagement, any opportunity for the kids, teach classes at both of the kids' co-ops, and show Chris that meals and cleaning would never be any different once I started studying. That semester was so hard. I shudder thinking about it. The semester after that I had no choice but to hit the ground running, and still figured I could keep up with a few of the things I was doing before. But then we had a baby, remodeled the house, sold our house, moved, and it seemed that yet again I had to keep up at the same speed, but cram in more on top of having a harder semester than the one before. And by semester, I mean six months - no summer or winter breaks in between semesters.
This year I've been desperately trying to pull back, but I still had commitments at the beginning of the year with homeschooling, teaching at co-ops, and a few other things. My finals for the first semester this year were done at the end of June and as usual, I got pretty stressed out. And the fact is, I still haven't pulled back enough, because I just can't do it all anymore.
I don't regret going back to school. It drives me and excites me. It gives me time to focus on thinking instead of changing diapers, and I truly enjoy what I'm learning (for the most part--some classes can get dry). But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard. Sometimes I just don't want to get up at 4:45AM. Sometimes I don't want to stay up past midnight to finish homework. Sometimes opening up that textbook seems impossible when the kids are all asking for me at once. Sometimes I think I'm just one big failure or joke.
Who did I think I was trying to go back to law school with four kids and homeschooling? Sometimes I wish all of it would come naturally and easy to me. I get so mad at myself that I'm not brilliant or athletic. Why did it hurt so much to train for that half marathon? Why did I work my butt off and only pull a B+?
So in an effort to pull back more. I quit one of our co-ops. I won't be teaching in any co-op until January of 2017. I don't see friends as often as I used to. What little free time I have I spend with my family. I don't blog anymore. I never play the piano or sing like I used to. My flower beds look atrocious. I haven't sewn in a year. I haven't drawn or painted much at all. My hobbies include studying and studying.
This is my last semester of law school. I graduate at the end of December. I'm so glad to be so close to accomplishing this. It has been my dream since elementary school, and after I got married, I thought I'd never have this opportunity. Now here I am. I couldn't be more grateful! I think I'm just getting burnt out and don't have anything left to give right now. I don't know what next year will be like studying for the bar. It may be even worse. But either way, I'm on the home stretch. I'll make it. I just need the world to be patient with me. This is the path I chose, and right now the kids and law school is all I can do.
And with that said...here are all the things we have gotten to do, burnt out momma and all (or perhaps why momma is burnt out)!
Cassi got a haircut!
She was so proud of her ponytail!
She loves her hair short!
Capri insisted on letting her hair grow long. I love her for that.
I had a couple days off of school between finals and my last semester. Chris had a work trip in Dayton, OH, so my sister and brother came and met us out there. We did fun things and turned a work trip into a vacation day!
After Dayton, we drove out to southeast Ohio and stayed at a lodge where they had some rolling hills, a golf course, and a pool. I brought my textbooks and started off the semester studying on the balcony of our hotel room or in a lawn chair by the pool!
After our southeast trip, we planned a staycation for the rest of the week, so Chris got all cleaned up, shaved his beard, and took me out on a date!
We thought we were so cool being out during the daytime without kids! I took these photos using my watch as a remote to take the pics on my phone. How cool is that?
The end of our staycation found us at Chris's Uncle's pond for a family party.
We got the annual cousins pic on the dock at the pond.
And then we spent the Fourth of July at my parents' in Michigan where the kids got to hang out with their newest little cousin, Hannaniah.
PeeWee Baseball for CJ ends tomorrow night - he's done so well. I'm so proud of him!
CJ's fans at one of his games (Capri and her cousin Chloe).
And that brings us to Cecily's Birthday weekend when my parents and brother, Travis came out. We took them to an outdoor museum place where everyone learned a lot, but also had a lot of fun.
The day of Cecily's Birthday we had a family reunion - the girls loved being with their cousins to play!
We've been doing some homeschooling throughout the summer - we're doing math, language arts, and reading. Some days he whizzes through it all. And some days I just get so frustrated because he shuts down on me. I know I expect a lot out of him to do school through the summer, but he tends to lose so much on summer vacation, I'm determined to make sure we stay caught up for when school starts!
And that's it. Running the race with everyone else. It's tough for us all sometimes and for all kinds of reasons. I don't have it any harder or easier than anyone else. It is what it is and while I'm stressed and a little burnt out, I also love it all - love the challenge and the thrill of it all. But here's to being honest about where I'm at right now.
You're amazing. That is all. (Also you so got this 😊)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement! I am not any more amazing than the next gal, but I need to remember that we ARE amazing and we CAN do it. Just need to dig myself out of a hole this week. :-)
DeleteCan I ask why you homeschool? If your children went to school, I am sure you would not feel so stressed out with all of your commitments.
ReplyDeleteI homeschool mainly because I enjoy homeschooling and enjoy having my son with me. But there are other reasons...like I don't trust the government to educate my child, I don't like the lack of religion, I don't like the fact that one teacher has so many kids to a classroom, etc. Public school has a whole other pile of stresses for me and I can't afford private school. Also, even if I put my son in school, the other three would still be at home, and they require the most work and attention. I have tried preschool and the two hours Cassi was away, two times a week, was more a bother than a help. It was easier to teach her myself and she learned ten times more!
DeleteI do not feel as stressed for just my family and school commitments, it's all the extra stuff, and that is what I'm cutting out now.
But thanks for the suggestion!
Yes, I can understand - my son starts school next year (our school year in Australia is February - December with 3x 2 week blocks of holidays across the year, and 6 weeks at Christmas time) and I feel stressed out about that already! The school is about a 10 minute drive away so I will be driving him and from the school twice a day, and children in Australia have to wear uniforms to school, so with that comes an extra expense and plenty of washing, and then there is all of the 'stuff' that comes with school - the challenges of friendships, and parent teacher committees, and ... you get it. However, homeschooling is not the done thing in our country, an even then it is highly regulated by the government...and truthfully I don't think I have it in me to take on the task. Children in our country also attend 2 years of kindergarten prior to school (I think you call it pre-school?) from the age of three - six to seven hours a week for a year when they are 3, and then 15 hours a week for a year when they are four - and with that comes the time commitment of pick ups and drop offs and getting bags packed, and lunch boxes ready...it means taking on a paid job it tricky, unless you have the help of grandparents, or pay for a nanny to do the picks ups and drop offs, or put your children in full time day care in order to access the kindergarten program (which is run through child care centres too). I have a younger son who starts kindergarten next year, so the next couple of years will be so busy running around dropping off and picking up children! So yes, I can understand why homeschooling is an attractive option for you. Do the churches run schools in your country? Our sons will be attending a Catholic school, and we feel the educational program is better than the State run schools.
DeleteThat is very interesting. I had no idea what Australia's education was like. But yes, I think that every child's caretaker has an arduous task regarding their schooling regardless of if they are in private, public, or homeschool. For a lot of the reasons you stated, homeschooling is definitely the less stressful option for me, and I am very grateful that it is an option for us here in the US. We have a lot of helpful homeschool programs we can take advantage of and a lot of support.
DeleteI wrote this post on Monday and now the week is about over. It was a nice, slow week, and I feel a little more like myself. I just have to remember to say no sometimes and cut out some of the extras.
Hope you have a good week!
You should give yourself more credit!! You are superwoman.. And you certaintly don't have to "do it all" to be that. Only the important things matter, and you have those covered :) -Meg
ReplyDeleteFar far from super woman. But you are right, I don't have to "do it all" to be fulfilled and to be where I'm supposed to be. I was focusing too much on pleasing everyone instead of realizing my limitations and leaving it at that. Getting closer to not caring what people think, but I feel like I have a long way to go yet. Thanks for the encouragement!
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